The Hidden Struggle

With another Mother's Day come and gone, it seems an appropriate time to admit my hidden struggle. This Mother's Day marked yet another year of not being a mom. Another year my arms are without a little one. Another year of baffled doctors, medications, and talk about "options." This holiday marked month 18 of crushing blows - 18 negative tests.

As my husband and I enter into our third year of marriage, we no longer feel like newlyweds. We are currently living in our fourth home as a couple, have adopted a dog, and have attended several weddings since our big day. It feels like the world is flying by and we're finally settled into this whole marriage thing. But as time passes, we realize how many struggles come with being married: Bills, work, scheduling conflicts, and enjoying old hobbies all enter the mix. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that marriage is hard. Oh so worth it - but hard.

The thing we have found most challenging over the course of our short 3 years, though, has been the struggle of infertility. With the combination of an age gap between myself and my siblings & the passion to raise children, we decided to "try" a little over a year ago. With both of us being so young, our original philosophy was that we could begin trying and whenever it happened, we would rejoice! If it didn't happen right away, it was no big deal - we were 23 years old and just eager to see what the Lord would bring us. But now, 18 months later, we sit at home wondering what the reason for this could be. After all the tests, needles, and medications; why are we still not raising a family? Why all the tears, heartbreak, and unexpected life turns? I find myself hitting my knees at least once a week while I talk to God and plead with Him to show me the reasoning behind all of this. (My husband repeatedly reminds me that that's not how it works and we often don't see things until the time has passed us, but it only seems natural to keep pleading.)

As we continue to struggle through all of these questions, I have come to ask myself two much larger questions. Why wasn't this issue on my radar? Why do I feel so alone?

Surely there are other women all around the world that are struggling with the same thing - I know women in my extended family that are struggling with this! So why do I feel so alone in this hidden struggle? Why don't I feel comfortable putting a prayer request in on Sunday morning so my church family can cover us in prayer? Why is this a hidden struggle??

As I have wrestled with this question, I seem to come back to the same resolution each time: sex and all that comes with it is a "dirty topic" that we need to navigate on our own. We don't want to talk to our youth about the realities of sex; We want to put them into eighth grade sex ed class and pray they figure it out on their own someday. We want to shield their eyes during movies and hope they don't search for porn later. And, worst of all, we don't educate our young people about how amazing sex can be when it takes place in the right circumstances.

It simply isn't enough to sit our children down and say "Sex is what happens when two people love each other very much... You can't do it until there's a ring on your finger." They need more information than that. Because if they don't get it from us, they're going to find it online or from their friends - only further skewing the idea of what sex was intended to be.

We are keeping so much knowledge from our youth simply because we feel awkward saying things out loud, and it seems that parents shy away from teaching their kids about sex because there's just not a "natural" time to chat about it. It's no casual conversation. I have been blessed with amazing parents, but there are some conversations that are just plain awkward.

But "the talk" doesn't JUST cover the topic of sex. Having the conversation within the home, around the church, and even from mentors can influence a child in huge ways. It makes the whole conversation feel less disgusting. And it opens the door to fluid conversation that has no limits - this should be our goal. Because when we don't open the door to our youth when we have the chance, EVERYTHING involving sexual relationships becomes taboo - even things like infertility.

Wouldn't I (and others in my situation) feel less alone if we knew more? The statistics around infertility truly are staggering. If we were aware of others that are fighting the same battles and sticking to the same rules, wouldn't we feel that there was a support system in place without us trying to build it?

Don't get me wrong - over the course of these months, I have developed my own mini-system where I can reach out to vent, ask advice, and cry... But I had to build this on my own. There was no outspoken person in my life or on social media bringing awareness to the fact that one in eight couples have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy! (2006-2010 National Survey of Family Growth, CDC). I would just as soon assume that this is super uncommon if I didn't have strong women in my life telling me (behind closed doors of course) that that's simply not the case.

Who will tell women without a support system that 44% of women with infertility have sought medical assistance. Of those women, only 65% will give birth. (Infertility as a Covered Benefit, William Mercer, 1997)?

We are not alone. Women who struggle with this issue tend to stay silent in fear of judgement or pity, and according to a recent study, 61% of women hide the struggle to get pregnant from their friends and family.

I am incredibly blessed to have my mom, sister, and sister-in-law as part of my support group and phone tree after appointments. I'm in no shortage of close friends to talk to when things get tough. But taking solace in this feels wrong when I think of how many other women face the same trials without someone to talk openly with.

What we all need to recognize is that there is a feeling of grief, despair, shame, and confusion that comes with infertility. With so many of our women struggling with this issue, isn't it time to bring it out into the light?



Please stop asking me when we're having children.
Please stop teasing me for letting the months go by without "jumping on board the baby train."
Please stop assuming pregnancy happens just because you decided it was time.

It's a daily struggle. It's something I think about all the time. And it's something I bring to the Lord daily. If you're struggling with this too, please know that I'm totally open to crying, venting, praying, and eventually rejoicing with you too. This is something we should never go through alone. You are not alone.

Advocacy & Education For Social Justice

As time goes on I realize that my passion gets deeper for the issue of human trafficking. But before we dive into the personal feelings I have on the issue, let's dig into some statistics.

According to the Do Something campaign:

• According to some estimates, approximately 80% of trafficking involves sexual exploitation, and 19% involves labor exploitation.
• There are approximately 20 to 30 million slaves in the world today
• According to the U.S. State Department, 600,000 to 800,000 people are trafficked across international borders every year, of which 80% are female and half are children.

• Globally, the average cost of a slave is $90.
• California harbors 3 of the FBI’s 13 highest child sex trafficking areas on the nation: Los Angeles, San Francisco and San Diego.
• Human trafficking is the third largest international crime industry (behind illegal drugs and arms trafficking). It reportedly generates a profit of $32 billion every year. Of that number, $15.5 billion is made in industrialized countries.

According to the Polaris organization:

• In 2016, the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children estimated that 1 in 6 endangered runaways reported to them were likely sex trafficking victims.

According to UNODC's report:

• The victims of sexual exploitation are predominantly women and girls. Surprisingly, in 30% of the countries which provided information on the gender of traffickers, women make up the largest proportion of traffickers. In some parts of the world, women trafficking women is the norm.
• While the number of convictions for human trafficking is increasing, two out of every five countries covered by the UNODC Report had not recorded a single conviction.

According to AIM:

• “Traditionally, traffickers have subjected women and girls to sex trafficking in brothels, bars, and massage parlors; however, in an attempt to better conceal their crimes, some traffickers have changed tactics and now exploit victims in hotel rooms and private apartments, making them harder for law enforcement to detect.”
• In 2012, total profits from sex trafficking worldwide were estimated at $99 billion, with the Asia-Pacific Region being the most active area in the world for this horrible practice.

The statistics and data are hard to swallow. Every year, as February 23rd comes around, I make a point to do more research and look for new information. Unfortunately, new numbers are hard to come by - There's not exactly a place for missing girls to mark that they're currently being sold for sex against their will. 

But defying all odds are the organizations that have opened their eyes to this tragedy and are devoting time and resources into finding a solution. One that is near and dear to my heart is Agape International Missions (AIM) that focuses primarily on the issue in Cambodia. 

During my collective two months in Cambodia, I saw and heard things that will forever haunt me. I saw with my own eyes, men preying on young girls that should have been in school learning how to provide for their future. I heard stories of the predators that come from the US and other western cultures to take advantage of the brothels and cheap sex that can be found there. Testimonials were shared by young women that had been through it and found a way to escape or be rescued - these are the ones that have touched my soul so deeply. 

It's time to stand up. It's time to make a change. And it's time to make this world a better place for the generation coming up behind us. They're difference makers and loud advocates for what they believe in - but let's not leave it up to them. 

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As the End It movement continues to thrive and promote awareness of the issue, we are all encouraged to post selfies with a red X on our hands to show the world we won't stand for it anymore. But the women affected by the issue don't get a voice, name, or face. So instead of a selfie, I block my face in solidarity with those suffering.

One girl is too many. One day is too long.

LISH

LISH: Life. Is. So. Hard.

A fun acronym my college roommate and I made up during one of our mission trips to Cambodia and something I still say to my husband when we run into silly difficult situations.

• Washing the dishes when you really want to watch the new NCIS episode? LISH
• Having to walk the laundry all the way to the garage to wash? LISH
• Can't get the fitted sheet to fit perfectly around the corners? LISH

It has basically become our version of the "First World Problems" trend.

But over the years, life situations have become more stressful and it doesn't seem like LISH applies - Until something big happens and I can't seem to make sense of it all. But it's during those times that I think God is up there looking down on me with a goofy grin saying to me, "LISH." It's like He's putting trials in front of me to see what I'll do ~ how I'll respond.

Just recently, Lars and I have struggled with some big decisions and it seems like things have been thrown our way unexpectedly. It's one of those things where we think we know the answer, and then another piece of the puzzle moves around. Then we get that put in place, and something else shifts. And on and on it goes until my head is spinning with all the newly moving parts.

And it's in times like these that my mind is redirected to the scriptures. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

To quote Psalm 143:8, "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life."

During these times, I have to lean fully into Christ trusting that He has the best plan imaginable for me. I need to constantly remind myself of the grace and love He has for me that will never fail. And when life keeps throwing "LISH" situations in my face, I believe that God is standing behind me giving me the ever-so-gentle push to continue moving forward. To continue trusting in Him to make the way fall before me. 

So even though I know the little LISH issues will continue, I can trust in God to help me with the big ones. (I don't think He cares much where I wash my jeans..) Praise God for his everlasting hope and joy ~ even when we don't see it so clearly.

Today, I mourn a great loss

By now I'm sure you've heard about all the loss of life in the past month. Shootings, attacks, brutality, complete lack of empathy. So I guess it's at this point that I should start talking about WHO I've lost this week. There's only one problem with that:

I haven't personally lost anyone this month. What I've lost hasn't been a parent, spouse, sibling, or friend. I haven't lost a colleague or a boss.

I have lost my sense of freedom and safety - even hope.

As I sat in the movie theater with my husband today, I realized how rocked my world has been this month. Maybe even in the last few years.

Life is so busy, I never really take more than a few moments to process what's going on in our world. When my watch buzzes with notifications of more shootings, I say a quick prayer for those involved and then move on with what I'm doing. It's insensitive and irresponsible of me, but that's the truth. Since it doesn't directly affect my life, it doesn't consume my thoughts for more than a few minutes. My revelation today has shaken me to want to change that. I realized while I sat there in the comfy red chair - this could be my last moment. A shooter could come into the theater and kill everyone sitting there enjoying the film. It hit me that in a split moment, my life could very well change or even end. From there, my mind wandered to deeper and scarier thoughts. What if I lived and Lars died. What if the opposite happened? What kind of therapy would we need to make it through something like that? It's a terrible reality that we live with every day in this great nation. Although we are one of the most free groups of people, our safety isn't guaranteed. There are times when bad things happen; there are even times when mistakes happen and people get hurt. But how do we deal with that reality? What do we do when life takes that turn? And what do we do when it doesn't happen to US?

First off, I want to address the first issue: FEAR.  Lars is always reminding me that "this world is not our home." Why are we afraid of what happens here? We're just passing through. Heaven is our true home - it's where our true citizenship lies. It's hard to put a finger on how to lose sight of our fears - but I'm encouraged by the reminder that this Earth is not the end for us. There is an eternity to look forward to. My thought today is this: Maybe instead of being afraid of the humans on this earth, I should focus more on my eternal life and hope that I have through Jesus. And maybe, just maybe, if we could all focus on that, less of these tragedies would happen. Again, I don't claim to have any answers, but this seems like a good stepping stone to head in the right direction.

But then there's this issue to deal with: What do I do when I have no personal loss from a tragedy? How should I react? I don't think taking to Facebook is the answer. Even blogging isn't the appropriate response. There's still a lot more thinking to be done on this, but I don't want to let my life continue this way. When there's loss of life on this earth (especially when it's taken by another human being) I want to take the time to process that grief. Finding ways to encourage and support those that WERE personally affected by the incident could be the way I aid in the situation.

Like all others, I don't have an answer. I can't side with anyone because I believe there are always improvements to be made in every aspect of our lives - no one will ever be perfect. I just wish we would all take a step back from the politics behind everything happening these days and look at the world we are creating for ourselves. Switchfoot has a song that touches my heart every time I hear it - it's titled The World You Want. The chorus goes like this: Is this the world you want? You're making it. Every day you're alive. Is this the world you want? You're making it. Friends ~ I implore you: if this isn't the world we want to live in, let's change it. It won't happen in one day. Most likely it won't even change in a year. But if this isn't the reality we want to leave behind for our children, we need to make a change. I pray that we all find our passion, niche, and change agent. Together, we really can change the world.

My cheating husband

Every morning I see my husband cheating on me.

I wake up earlier than Lars, but as I'm up and around getting ready for work, his alarms go off. And then, as I walk around the apartment gathering things for my day, I see it. I see him totally engaged with somebody else. He is completely tuned out from our little world of marriage, because he's so engrossed with them. He doesn't hear my blending my morning smoothie because he's totally out of it. Sometimes it makes me a little bitter, and other times it makes me the happiest woman in the world. My husband is cheating.

But before you get fired up, let me explain.

The person my husband is "cheating" with is GOD. Gotcha ;-)

But the rest is all true! For the last few months, Lars has been really committed to spending quiet quality time with God to start his day. As I'm fumbling around the apartment trying to get ready for work, I see him out on the balcony: Bible open, journal out, eyes either closed or contemplative. He is devoting precious time in the morning to sit with God and admire all He has done. Some days he journals the whole time; other days he just sits quietly and still. I so wish I could hear his thoughts during those times. I desperately want to know what those prayers are. But I praise God that I don't. Lars and I have an open and honest relationship, and talk often about what's weighing on our hearts and what we need to be praying for in our lives. But there's a part of me that knows he has things on his heart that he couldn't express to me if he tried. Things that are between him and Christ that I have no business in to begin with. And I'm grateful that he takes the time to converse with God about those things. He schedules in quiet time with our Creator so that he can be a better man, a better son, a better minister, and a better husband.

As I look back on our first year of marriage, I can see that the past few months have been the best ones. We have prayed more, laughed more, and had more great adventures. Together, we have grown not only closer to each other, but closer to God.

So I don't mind that my husband is a big fat cheater! Because I'm cheating with the same person. And you know what? It's making our marriage so much better.

In case of emergency...

I'm a ministry wife. With that title comes great responsibility that I never thought about before becoming one. Lars works with the teens at our church, and I thought that's pretty much what it was - LARS working with the teens at our church. But, as it turns out, when your husband is in the ministry so are you. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, though. I get to be in the teen class and listen to my amazingly talented husband teach them. I also get to talk to the kids about their lives, attend sporting events, have dinner with the families, and do my best to connect with the girls in the group on a deeper level.

As any ministry wife could tell you, it's hard. It's exhausting to have to be "on" every Sunday just because your husband is the youth pastor. But even more than that, it's kind of stressful. I mean, the girls in the group look to me for advice and example. To prepare for this kind of work day is a little hectic when I have my own job throughout the week. Lars and I talk a lot about what my role should look like and how I can take it on in different ways, but we're still far from figuring it all out.

But even more than the stress the ministry causes me, it causes stress for him too. I can only imagine what he feels; I have 23 children in my classroom and I lose sleep over their learning, their home lives, and their wellbeing. I cannot imagine being responsible for 20+ souls of teens. My husband's job is basically to help these kids find and treasure Jesus. And on top of all of that he needs to keep learning new things so he can be better and better at his job...which means he starts a Masters program! And then on top of THAT, he attends conferences where he can listen to keynoters and network with other ministry workers around the country. It's exhausting just to listen about his day.

Enter Children's Pastors Conference 2016. Speaker: Albert Tate.

"In case of emergency, an airbag will drop from the compartment above you. Please put your mask on first before assisting others."

We all know the spiel..if you've ever flown, you know that you hear that message before every flight. It doesn't take much thought to realize why this is such sound advice. If I can't breath, I'm not going to be much help to the person next to me...but do we often think about this when it comes to our spiritual walks?

Albert Tate was talking about this in terms of people in ministry. Can you be effective in showing others the light of Jesus if you've lost it yourself? Can you give meaningful devotionals if you never read the Bible for your own personal walk? Can you honestly tell me that you can show up every Sunday morning and teach if you aren't walking day in and day out with the Lord? You can't.

The whole 45 minutes the man was talking, I was taking notes like crazy. One of my biggest responsibilities as a ministry wife is taking care of my husband. This is more than just making dinner and keeping the house clean. I have the responsibility to keep my husband spiritually fed. I know what you're thinking: "It's his job to be the spiritual leader of our household." I agree with you. And he is! But sometimes I need to step in and (lovingly) say to my husband: "We're off track and we need to do something differently. We need to read our Bibles together and talk about Jesus more regularly." I don't know about the other wives reading this, but that is not something that comes naturally to me. We have so much going on in our every day lives, I don't ever have time to stop and think about encouraging my husband to lead me more. But I have to. I need to get my oxygen supply on my face and then look my husband in the eye and help him put his on. If I am going to be the wife God has called me to be, I need to give Lars that support. I have to make time in our day to make these things happen, otherwise he is going to sizzle out of his ministry because he will slowly but surely run out of oxygen.

Being a ministry wife is so much more than stressing about the example I set for the teens at our church. It means that I am held to a higher standard even with my husband. I'm still learning how to support him better and make sure he has the air he needs. But I encourage you wives to join me on the journey even if you're not a ministry wife. Our men have so much to do, and sometimes the last thing they have energy for is leading us. We need to ensure they have what they need to be the men they've been called to be. And for the men reading this, I encourage you to think about this as well. You need YOUR air supply before leading your wives and children to Christ. You cannot effectively complete the arduous task set before you if you aren't linked up with Him 24/7. Ask your wife for help with this if you need to; that's what we're here for.

End It

I'm not sure how many of you were aware, but today was the day to show support of End It. End It is a coalition that supports people stuck in slavery; whether that be human trafficking, forced labor, or boded labor. Today was the day to stand against it and say "no more."

As I have walked through my life post-Cambodia, things have been a lot different. I have seen things happening around me that aren't quite right, and have a stronger desire to participate in movements such as this one. I know that simply drawing a red X on my hand for one day in the yearnwon't solve any more issues than the act of sharing a page on Facebook. The real difference is made when people who were previously unaware are made aware. The real difference comes when the 23 students in my class show curiosity about the new body art or when other teachers ask what it's all about. When I'm given a platform to talk to others about real world, close to home issues...things slowly start to change.

One specific moment in Cambodia still sticks with me to this day: I remember sitting in a small room in Svay Pak talking casually with one of AIM's (Agape International Missions) lovely ladies. She was telling a few of us about her day, and it slowly turned into an educational session about sex exploitation. After quite some time of her telling us stories and fun facts (it's weird to call them "fun" facts, but they were so interesting and I can't think of a better term) she came to something that struck a cord with me. She said, "You know, about 60% of the men that come here to buy sex with children are Americans." I'll give you a minute to let that sink in.

Sunk?

Great.

Sixty percent. 60% of men that are buying children for sexual purposes and/or torture are coming from our back yard. They are our neighbors, relatives, coworkers, and business men. Friends, this is a wake up call! This cannot continue on our watch. We have real control over what is happening in places like Cambodia. If we stand together to say "NO MORE" eventually we're going to strike a cord. I remember Don Brewster putting it this way: "We could solve the issue of human trafficking TODAY if we really wanted to. You know how? We could just kill all the men." Obviously, that's not a plausible option. But in all reality, couldn't we just commit ourselves to educating them?

I took this challenge on one day in the most tangible way I knew how:



I wore this shirt all day and all night. I wore it to my nannying job, to the store, I think I even went to the bank...But the real kicker was when I got to volleyball open gym. I got onto this team with 5 grown men and myself, and played with them for about 4 months before the wedding. We got to know each other pretty well, and had a ton of fun playing the game we all loved so much. It was amazing how shocked everyone in the gym looked when I walked in sporting this shirt. Maybe I'm just un-observant, but it usually takes me a while to take in all the logos and punny lines on people's tee shirts. But it honestly felt like the whole gym hushed when I walked in wearing this. One of my teammates even said, "Well if that's not a punch in the gut, I don't know what is." It made people uncomfortable and it made them squirm. But that's exactly what it was meant to do. I wanted people to notice and recognize that what's happening around this world (and even in our own backyard) is not acceptable. I wanted them to ask questions and to be more aware. I think it's safe to say: mission accomplished.

Now it's time to continue this task. Even if you missed February 25, 2016 it's not too late to make a difference, and it's definitely not too late to check out these amazing sites to learn more about the issues. Click on the name of the organization you want to learn more about to be redirected to their home pages.

End It Movement

Agape International Missions

Together, we can end this. Join me.