What I do know is this: I went to one of the "concentration camps" and one of the killing fields. And I'm going to share with you some of the pictures I took. If you have a light stomach, or are prone to letting extremely tough situations get the best of you, I would suggest you click the back button now.
These are the rules that were in effect at S21 (the high school turned concentration camp)
This is just one of the boards picturing some of the prisoners and victims of S21.
They took the walls down so they could utilize the space, but you can see how small the cells were. Prisoners were in those cells 24/7 if they weren't being interrogated. The cells are 3x6 feet with one bucket for feces and one for urine. If they spilled anything on the he ground, they had to lick it up. Take a moment to let the inhumanity of that sink in...
This is Bou Meng. He's one of the 7 survivors of S21. He was taken to the camp when he was 35, and lost his wife there. His 2 children were also killed. He was kept alive because he was a great painter, and did some paintings of Pol Pot. Apparently Pol Pot had a tumor on his neck, but wanted pictures without it. Bou Meng was the one to do that painting.
This is Chum Mey. He's another one of the 7 survivors of S21. He was kept alive because he was a mechanic, and was of use to the Khmer Rouge. However, he was tortured for information, and showed us his big toe that had the nail ripped out with pliers during his interrogation. It has since grown back, but doesn't look normal. And I didn't think to take a picture until his sandal was back on...but you get the idea.
Next came the killing fields. Where there are mass graves and sights of ungodly things. I'm very serious when I say that if you have a light stomach, you don't want to continue. I will put Pictures of some hard stuff...
I won't put explanation for many of these pics, but the one below is interesting. It's bones and clothing that are just now surfacing. That means that they haven't found all the remains of the people killed in this area.
And this is where my title came from. There was a quote posted on the wall from Bou Meng, that was talking about what all happened. Describing the terrible things that happened in S21. The last line said "my hope was zero." That hit me so hard. It's one thing to think about the physical pain that these people went through. It's a whole other thing to think about the mindset they must have had during that time. When there is no hope, no promise of a future, no reason to live...you must begin to wish you would just die during an interrogation time. I can't even imagine. To me, those 4 words create a profound statement.
But to end the day, I get to debrief with my team, process all the information, and sit down to read Gods word. If it wasn't for those things, MY hope would be zero. I feel so blessed to have a fiancé that knew what was ahead for me, and planned accordingly. Before I left, he filmed himself reading through the book of John, with some commentary as well. It's broken up into chapters, so I can do as many or as little as I want per day. How lucky can I be?! Even with 8,000 miles between us and a 14 hour time difference, I get to read my favorite book with my favorite guy. (If we're honest, he's in competition with my dad...but I reserve the right to love them in different ways 😊)
This is the perfect ending to a horrific day:
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